


Chordus de Bacchantis

by rabidchild67



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Humor, M/M, Orgy, Recreational Drug Use, STDs, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 03:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Spock return from an alien sex orgy. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chordus de Bacchantis

“Bones, I…what’s happened to me?”

“Priapism, Jim,” Bones said, all cool, disaffected professionalism. “You know the drill – just lay back while I draw off some blood. You’ll feel better in a bit.”

“Feel better? You’re taking blood from my PENIS.”

“Well, that’s the side effect of participating in an alien sex orgy. You should know by now the human body is way too fragile. You can’t keep up – you never can.”

“Never… Bones, what are you saying? Has this happened before?”

McCoy shifted his weight from one foot to another and raised an eyebrow. “Are you telling me you don’t remember? This is the fourth time in the last six months.”

“Six months? You’re telling me I disappear routinely, for alien sex orgies, and don’t remember it?”

“You never could resist those blue chicks.” Bones leaned in conspiratorially. “Tell me… do the carpets, you know…”

“Bones! A gentleman never kisses and tells.”

“You can’t blame me for seeking out a vicarious thrill. It’s not like you ever take _me_ along.”

“I’m not alone? Who…who else…?”

“Well, judging from the sappy grin on that vexing Vulcan’s face, I’d say he was your latest guest of honor. But I wouldn’t actually know – he’s been passed out in the arboretum for the last six hours.”

“Spock!”

“I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been transported across seventeen parsecs of open space.”

“Listen, Bones, this is all rather disturbing. I mean, to not remember…”

“Yeah, well, judging from the number of exotic STDs you’ve contracted, maybe you're better off. I mean that last case of crabs… they were _actual crabs_ , Jim. You might consider adopting a ‘no glove, no love’ policy.” 

“Duly noted. Listen, how long do I have to sit here, before…”

Bones raised another eyebrow. “You have somewhere to be? Got a hot date?”

“Well, I was hoping to hit the officer's club on Starbase 15. There's this cute bartender…”

“We left there three days ago, Jim. Why not give yourself some rest before jumping back in the saddle? I haven’t started this procedure yet.”

Jim turned as white as the sheet covering his lower half. “Yes. Of course. The blood.”

“Thaaat’s right. Just lie back, relax, and think of the Federation.”

Jim stayed Bones’s hand and waggled his eyebrows. “Surely there are other means, old friend?”

“Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor not a Lincoln Tunnel whore. Besides, a hand job from me’ll run you a lot more’n twenty bucks.”

“Fine,” Jim said, dejectedly. “Don’t suppose you could knock me out again? I don’t think I can take it…”

“Whatever, ya big pussy. You won’t feel a thing…”

\----

“Dude.”

“Come again?”

Spock seemed to focus with some difficulty and raised an eyebrow. “Mr. Sulu.”

“Mr. Spock. I have been sent to bring you to sickbay.”

“I do not wish to go.” Spock leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, “I do not trust the doctor, for he is representative of a patriarchal establishment I reject in its entirety.”

“I got it, McCoy’s the man. But I still think you should come with me. You’re not yourself. Also, you’re up a tree. Naked.”

“So I am. Nevertheless, I wish to remain where I am, for I find the bark of this tree to be extremely fascinating. I am suddenly quite tactile.” Spock pet the tree as if to demonstrate, then became distracted by the motes of dust falling through a beam of light that arced down from the ceiling of the arboretum.

“What kind of drugs did they have at that alien sex orgy?”

“All of them.”

“How many did you take?”

Spock giggled. “All of them. Do you know what it takes to get a Vulcan this inebriated?”

“No.”

“That is unfortunate, for I was hoping to repeat the experience some time soon.”

“Maybe McCoy’ll share your tox screen results. Listen, I’ve got a shift in about twenty, so could we hurry, orrrr…”

“Do not harsh my mellow,” Spock said slowly.

“I wouldn’t like to call security, Spock. Now come on down before this becomes a _whole thing_ and I have to put it in a report somewhere. I’m acting captain when you guys are outta your minds, you know.”

“Have you ever simultaneously penetrated and been penetrated during sexual congress? It is most exhilarating.”

“Wait, _what_?”

“Did you know Tholians are hermaphroditic?”

“I think I did? Maybe?”

“Their penises are also prehensile.”

Sulu was momentarily distracted by the thought of that.

“And they have mammary tissue on their backs.”

“You shitting me?”

“This tree bark is so _irresistible._ ”

“Yeah, well, maybe we can take some along with us to... SPOCK! Stop rubbing up against it – you’ll chafe something!”

“Spocky likes it rough.”

“Oh my God… Sulu to Security!”

\----

“Spock! What’s wrong with him, Sulu?”

Sulu eyed the immense bulge under the sheet that covered his captain’s lower half. “I could ask the same of you, sir.”

Jim scowled. “Bones wouldn’t take one for the team. What’s wrong with Spock?”

Spock took a seat on the floor in the corner, still naked, a small white stick protruding from between his lips and a serene expression on his face.

“He’s tripping balls.”

“Oh yeah. Do you know what it takes to get a Vulcan this stoned?”

“I don’t…”

“Too bad, because it’d be good to know…”

“Captain, if it’s not too much trouble, I should really…”

“853,” Spock said, and if Sulu didn’t know better, he’d swear he sounded happy about it.

“What’s 853?”

“Your lucky prime number?” Jim asked.

“Luck is illogical. No, it is the number of strokes necessary for my tongue to breach the hardened, sucrose shell of this confection in order to reach its toothsome, chocolatey center."

“Ah, another great mystery of the universe solved,” Jim said gravely.

“I should get hazard pay for this,” Sulu muttered and left to report to the bridge.

\----

TWO WEEKS LATER

“Captain Jack will get you hiiiiiigh tonight!!!!”

“Hey, Kirk, cut it!” Jim craned his head backwards and grinned stupidly at the man standing there, who was making a cutting gesture against his throat with his hand. “Those Orions over there find out I’m here, and my goose is cooked!”

“And take you to your special iiiiiisland!” Jim continued to sing happily, ignoring the man, who swept aside one fold of the navy blue great coat he wore to take a seat on the chaise next to him. 

“Shh, Jim, come on!” he admonished, placing his fingers over Kirk’s pouty mouth. “Why do I keep bringing you to these things?” Jim lay there half naked, his Starfleet uniform in total disarray, hickeys and bite marks decorating his neck and shoulder. 

“Come on,” Jim said in an exaggerated stage whisper, trying to focus. Instead, he became transfixed by his companion’s dimpled chin. “It’s an alien sex-orgy,” he said to it. “Get that stick outta your ass.”

“There’s no stick in my ass.”

“I’ve got something for your ass,” Jim said drunkenly, wriggling his hips suggestively. “Captain Jack will get you by tonight! Wheeeee!!!”

“Jesus, am I going to have to fuck you again to keep you quiet?” 

“You betcha, Harkness!”

Jack sighed and began patting at his coat’s pockets. “Where’s that damn Retcon?”

\----

Thank you for your time.

**Author's Note:**

> The title means "aftermath of an orgy" in Latin, at least according to Google Translate...


End file.
